It is our data scheme that becomes some of the most authentic & relevant systems of design as a ‘Single Point of Truth’ - SPOT.
The writing we leave behind can pave the way to new ideas, & when handled with great care or by way of assistance of professionals can effect change. However, that assistance should never spill over into the form of abuse of control, or hidden agendas not revealed to the parties involved; it simply needs to be a coming together, that finds a way to 'meet in the middle' or work alongside of to share - and certainly not be blinded by the voices of experience or a dislike of someone that questions the authority or establishment in the hope to find a better way.
The ability to share stories should provide a forum to enable people to heal, to offer a different point of view and to educate those who want to understand. Somewhere in transit, the picture of what wants to be represented however, can & does go horribly wrong. Domestic Violence is one such case. Often it leads to lengthy investigation that can bring to light the real story from the 'two tellers of one tale'.
It perhaps requires the psychological study of some engineering components & human factors. It reminds me of a famous quote: "A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure". This saying is known as "Segals law", which relates to the principles of "A Single Point of truth".
The ugly side of abuse is watching people form groups, or being coerced & pushed into a circle that leads to a ring of deceit. Those who do take sides, sadly can cause unintentional harm, and as most victims will tell you they don't search the 'spotlight', or use media as a 'panacea', they simply reach out in the only way they know how; often in desperation & in the hope to get help, to simply be left alone & try and start over again. Yet sadly, mental health issues often 'get in the way'. For most victims, by the time they can recognise the support through those who have caused further hurt, it is often too late. The 'Deteriorating Patient' as they refer to it in the nursing world is then often what you are left to deal with. A result that doesn't end well, after any experiment being performed, one that leads to a death, brings a whole range of complex trauma and grief.
It takes me back to some of my first court cases, and being blackmailed not to come forward and speak out otherwise our perpetrators 'bets would all be off", meaning we would be cut of financially and emotionally harmed. We were never able to discuss what had been done, because then we would be accused of causing him pain, or living in the past. It has still been a repeated pattern for the last few years of our life, for which there are no telltale signs or physical scars, just behaviour issues that add to the mental trauma, depression and anxiety we have had to face at the hands of others has also been quite disturbing.
Bullies don't ever accept responsibility or take on accountability for what they do. It is often the further challenges victims face after leaving, that no person should be put through, just to appease the narcissistic appetites of those in positions to know better. At no stage is a victim allowed to come forward and speak of the past violence in their lives? YET why is that, when history tells us that we have come to be, due to situations and events that brought us to here, this SPOT - the very point in time. For a victim, imagine the pain this brings in again having to 'hide away, or just 'file it in the cabinets of the mind'.
I remember vividly the start of the move to get away, how it had come after a physical incident where the goal was to basically burn me. I am triggered by this each day that i walk out of the lift and see the Mr Potato head figurines staring back at me on the shelf. Its taken a long time to accept that this is what the intention had been, the denial and disassociation as all victims would agree, is our lesson of continual learning. Driven by a need to understand why, to find reason, yes it is true we then struggle to let go. (I will again tomorrow, deal with the supporters of our crimes, who snicker or enjoy their charade of sarcastic remarks and innuendoes, for which if i was to 'call it out', would deem me as the problem, being paranoid or a liar - i believe they refer to it as 'pigeon holing someone)
In sharing my story with what at first i thought was one person online, should have enabled me to heal, yet due to the nature of the 'relationship' & the investigation taking place - it was full of dysfunction by all parties involved - the fact this group remained 'faceless', also had an affect on my health (perhaps they were called in to do a job). Over time, i realised i had positioned myself to be bullied, pushed into submission, controlled as a puppet on a string, & later by way of gag orders that prevented me from speaking out. Another group involved with my perpetrator may have very well used this situation as an opportunity towards a type of 'double jeopardy' to blackmail and take control (but thats another story later for you to SEE & me to TELL). Moving from possible original intention to support to flipping the board and siding with an abuser - perhaps for them, it was simply a further need motivated out of pure greed & position. It stands as a human rights violation.
I doubt these people know that our first court case had come after our eldest daughter made her first attempt at suicide, jumping out of a moving vehicle because of the verbal abuse & road rage she was witnessing - to get to that "single point of Truth", let me tell you a lot has had to take place. It was a very violent scene of which my youngest daughter & i are still triggered today. It can only be described as a roundabout of madness for what would happen at times. It again, left us reeling in shock from the pain of it all. Don't ask victims anymore why they don't leave, for they often stay out of love and in the hope that things will improve. Their belief is in the sanctity of a marriage for 'better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health'. Don't tell them either to just get over it, when you have no understanding of what they have experienced or could still be experiencing. And don't ever play them off against the very same person who has caused them harm.
By the time my daughter was reported as a "death by suicide" in 2018, we had just about been completely destroyed. I acknowledge all choices i made in the best of my ability to hope for a 'bigger, better, brighter life. I could not have begun to imagine the range of emotions just beginning to reveal themselves (& for anyone along my chosen path, i am sorry for any hurt done)
Spending 4 years through the court system for Domestic violence orders, losing a job due to interference by way of friends/family of the perpetrator, gag orders to shut a victim down, defending the right to be paid maintenance for the children, 2 car accidents and a diagnosis of PTSD would take its toll on the healthiest person i imagine. Most victims do not have available access to lawyers or money to afford others to take care of their case, leaving them vulnerable to external threats and deception that can even sometimes come through as a form of help or in an attempt to 'make up' for the further crime committed - human rights violations are often the result of domestic violence - victims taken advantage of online, cat-fished, meddled with or played games with by people that actually should seek help themselves for the sickness and crime that it often reveals. However, let me tell you no business transacted on that is not transparent or legally, ethically engaged is any venture worth pursuing.
It is here i pause to tell you, i may very well have it wrong. Without some intervention, would I have been led to build a website or know what to do? Probably not. Would I have been able to search out the right groups to support and aid in our journey away without having them placed before me? probably not. For that type of intervention/assistance/support I am truly grateful, but oh how i wish i could have known who you were, for the lack of human contact is what was always missing. At an intuitive hunch, Laws are changing, and teaching the very sanctity of this society that to assist in the trauma of clients that come through their doors they have a responsibility towards a type of rehabilitation to 'give back'. If this is true, it provides a formidable case in itself that as most cases usually involve human relations, for a court that is dependant on factual evidence alone, there still needs to be a level of acknowledgement for the trauma involved when dealing with the emotions of clients and the impact it can have on their lives. Our Court of law has shown it has and can carry out: "A Duty of Care".
Often we think there are no witnesses to what takes place, but in most situations there is someone present, or a very revealing type of damage that remains, not only in the symptoms/diagnosis of patients but in the environmental surroundings that were present.
When my daughter jumped out of that car at Hope Island in 2013, two ladies ran out of the building, after hearing the crying and screaming, in the distance they observed.
When a similar incident occurred again in 2016 there were witnesses involved.
If you were to revisit the house we once lived in you would find the hole in the garage wall, or the marks on the dining room/lounge room walls. Although be prepared to meet with excuses or have this played down by a perpetrator.
When my daughter had raced into my place of work one night after nearly being speared with a big outdoor umbrella a co-worker heard her distress.
When she had friends over & was referred to as a: "F------- B-------" her embarrassment and humiliation was quite obvious to the friends splashing around with her in the spa.
YET, in just some of these examples - that simple 'bridging question' of 'is everything alright' or the one gaining attention today: "R U OK", could not ever be found to be said.
Surely some of these most basic examples would be enough to get out, to recognise something is wrong, to identify that the relationship is far from healthy.
After we unplugged and disengaged from our perpetrator, he turned his attention to my parents, in a form of what we recognise as 'elder abuse', obscene, abusive letters, dictating his terms. It was written in form by a man that can be gentle and kind, yet his hate, anger and need to destroy, saw us at the hands of also cruelty sometimes.
YET - due to again speaking now about this, i will and already have been faced with those that like to try and play it down or make a joke of it, or diminish it as trivial. Add all these situations and multiply them again by the 100's and you will understand how the puzzle pieces split into unshapely parts. How victims remain in a state of confusion, not knowing which parts to hold onto or fit back together.
We encourage victims to come forward and YET, when they do, they are given unspeakable obstacles by those in positions of power that continually move the goal posts and make it feel like an impossibility to come out the other side.
At Christmas, we experienced further escalating behaviours that sent us in a state of panic again. I spent over an hour on the phone consoling an upset child who just wanted to come home. I tried to be rational, thinking was our trauma causing us to overreact. Meanwhile, again being accused of 'ruining his xmas' and 'cutting short his time with his daughter' - where is the normal in that. If you were connected to the conversation, our child reached out for help and made the call to me. I convinced her to stay and use the tools we have spent years putting in place. The next day, to keep my mind busy, i went out to the shops, yet all the time waiting to hear from her and make sure everything had improved and that she was doing okay - where is the normal in that. Whilst at the shops i saw a man with his disabled son, i watched as he placed an arm around him and thanked the child for a really good day - it was a bittersweet moment that left me reeling in pain, to observe how such a thing should be so easy to do- yet for us had often come at a cost.
It is now March, and since that incident, we have become exhausted dealing with email, accusation and having to arrange further intervention to assist us. So we again sit in a type of U curve of hypothesis: "if i do this, then what will be?"
As someone still trying to simply survive, don't tell victims to move on, instead, tell perpetrators to "Do the Right Thing".
Oh, and if you don't like what you read, then i simply suggest it is YOU who turns the page!